Reflections. On life, decisions, peace, everything. Sleep deprivation is like a venomous spike deep inside your flesh. It spills it’s poison through your veins, clouding every thought, every judgment, every decision you make. It intensifies negative emotions by a hundredfold. No wonder, everything turns to shit, whenever my body decides that it’s time to ignore a healthy amount of sleep once again.
Alas, it usually only lasts for a couple of days before I am able to catch enough and regain some control. Or maybe my dear friend, the void, answered my calling and lend me his tender touch. I don’t mind either. It’s better than before. No feelings of despair, no desire of hurting myself, no constant rumination about ifs, whys and hows. Finally I can dive head on into the ocean of emptiness again. Took me long enough.
Until next time. Whenever I try to explain to other people how I perceive emotions and what it’s like to constantly juggle between several extremes, I am never sure whether I am actually able to convey a somewhat appropriate image. Sure, I try to be as graphical as possible but sometimes I have the feeling a lot of people are thinking “Oh, well, it can’t be THAT bad, right?”
Blessed be their souls in their naivety.
I envy them. I truly do. Living life like that must be close to hanging around in Elysium. Maybe some day I will join them. I would like to.
Interesting side note: Some time ago I was head deep into ruminating thoughts about why I still haven’t killed myself yet and somehow these dreadful mental explorations appear so far away. Probably one more reason why emotions make everything so much more complicated. And potentially dangerous, even deadly for some. I don’t want to die. No matter what my head is telling me during these fucked up days. Just imagine all these years of constant struggling and effort. I survived so much shit and suddenly I should just throw everything away? Then why did I even fight for so long? I could have given up ages ago. There were so many opportunities, way better ones than now even, on which I could have ended everything. But I didn’t. I fucking pulled through. I screamed, I cried, I vomited, but I fucking survived. Every. Single. Time.
Why would I give up now? Because of some other inconveniences I have to endure? Nothing I face right now is even remotely close to the shit I have already been through. Not. Even. Close.
I cut out the venomous spike. Threw it far away. My mind is clearing up again. Not seeing the obvious right in front of you, is a dangerous disability. Well, at least I have some clear sight now. I am just not sure, how I will be able to redeem this very state of mind next time I’m in dire need of it. It is pretty easy to rationalize, whenever your mind is not clouded with shadowy poison. Somehow I need to find a way of conserving and reminding myself of these obvious truths right in front of me – even during my darkest hours.
Maybe it will help to read these words again as soon as I feel the pull into the shadows again. It might not prevent me from drifting offshore completely but maybe I can throw out an anchor to avoid getting thrown too deep into the chaotic sea. It is worth a try, I guess. Can’t end much worse than the last times.
The interesting part is, whenever I imagined some kind of rejection in my life, my mind starts a race to the bottom as fast as possible. It starts from “Did I do something wrong?”, gains speed at the well-known marker of “I am pretty sure, I fucked up somehow, it’s always like that” and runs straight over the cliff into the abyss of “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! EVERYTHING I TOUCH IS TURNING TO SHIT! WHY NOT JUST KILL MYSELF NOW TO FINALLY BE DONE WITH IT?”.
This is, of course, a very unhealthy response towards a very common emotion. I have my own theories about its root causes, but these don’t really help in developing a more useful approach of dealing with these feelings. Instead, I need a different response.
I will call it the SOFFU approach. Survival Of Former Fuck-Ups.
😂 I know.. That came out of nowhere.. 🙃Yes sometimes I really make rash decisions. But whatever may work, is worth a try. If I am able to recall SOFFU whenever my current world starts turning into a giant shit-hole again, it might help me of regaining some form of control and not completely losing my mind inside the shadows. If this approach fails as well, I merely have another one added to the ever-growing list. No big loss and up to the next one. SOFFU it is then. It might actually work. I have been through so much shit before, why would I stop now? There is nothing new for me here, everything I encounter, I have seen in some way before. Why should I be afraid of another snake in the grass, when my body has been mithridatised countless times? Another bite is just more of the same. Been there, done that. Whatever. My mind’s attempts of killing me didn’t succeed in the past and they won’t bear fruits now. Hit me, punch me, kick me, cut me – there is nothing which I haven’t already done to myself over and over again.
This is just another Fuck-Up. Business as usual. I will survive again.
People keep asking me, whether I am back. Yes. I guess, I am back. Ok, that was a blatant lie. Nobody is asking me that. But I felt the drive of writing more again for a couple of weeks now. I miss it. I really do. I enjoy these nightly ramblings. My mind can drift into all sorts of weird spaces. Nobody there but me. Blissful silence. Solitude. Everything I need.
Life takes strange turns. I still don’t know where this journey will lead me. Perhaps in the middle of nowhere. At least I’m learning on a regular basis again, that seems to be progress. I can still feel the tension inside me. Every day. Again and again I wanted to reach for that blade. I didn’t. For some time now, excessive physical training has been my way out. Again. At least my body looks that way. You gotta look on the bright side and all that. It’s hard to control that anger. Like a wild animal it lurks inside of me, constantly waiting for the moment to come when its chains burst and it shreds everything around it. I hope it never happens. But can I guarantee that? I don’t know. I think I’m quite capable of being in control most of the time. But if the past has taught me anything, it’s that control is mostly an illusion. A very dangerous one. It lulls us into a safety that is never there. I wish it were otherwise, but that is the bitter reality I have to face. I avoid triggers as much as I can. I do not create new intense bonds, but establish familiar routines and move along well-known paths. I know only too well how quickly the downward spiral can be restarted. Down, down, down, straight to the bottom. A man falls and during the fall he keeps saying to himself “Up until this point it was all right, up until this point it was all right”.
Tragic irony. I crave intimacy, intellectually, emotionally and physically, but almost everything my fingers grasp crumbles to ashes shortly afterwards. If I were the character of a fictional story, my steps would wilt flowers and my hands would set whole forest fires. My breath was like a breeze of death that slowly covers the city like a threatening veil. Doomed to solitude. Theatrical instrumental. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, who knows. But the time I’ve been able to spend so far on this earth… was allowed… had to? It taught me that nothing lasts. That even the most important people eventually turn their backs on me, or vice versa. Because I can’t stand being around them anymore. For whatever fucked-up reasons. I keep wondering if other people have similar thoughts and how they deal with them. Why can’t I just see sunshine and butterflies everywhere? Is that really too much to ask? I enjoy the positive energy of other people.
It feels incredibly pleasant to be part of their charisma and even help to strengthen it. But I cannot find it for myself. When I look inside, all too often I see only a devouring emptiness. Coupled with emotional excess. Fantastic combination. I want to love as no one has ever loved before, but at the same time I’m afraid to. I want to experience, live through, savour the emotional excess. Survive. Lose myself and be absolutely free. But I know only too well that very few people can experience this frenzy and if they do, there is always the danger that something gets fucked up. But every day that sees me further trapped in apathy makes it clear to me how vital ecstasy is.
The emotional eruption, the complete excess is my elixir, which gives me new strength and allows me to feel that I am still alive. I love these moments of complete ecstasy, even if it becomes too much at some point. I am a junkie who is hooked on his own emotions.
Run. Run. Run. Run. Faster and faster. Live as you always wanted to live, love as you never dared to love. The abyss will always be waiting for you. It is eternal. It knows you’ll come back eventually. The gravity of life has brought every Icarus to the ground. The higher you fly, the tougher the landing.
But who cares if the moment counts? Why bother with impact when the next kiss seems like an eternity? The next night spent together like a labyrinth of endless paths waiting to be explored hand in hand? The next morning’s smile is so captivating that no thought is wasted of it ever being any different? Who thinks of the abyss in these moments?
I do. The abyss is a part of me. Every time I broke, it was there to pick up the pieces. Enveloping them in a blissful despair, and at some point, numb emptiness. It introduced me to the void, made it my eternal companion. A faithful friend who never left my side, no matter where I was. My wings burned before I learned to fly.
Hey there! 😂 I still have to think so hard about how to start a post which shouldn’t really be a big deal but hehh😂🤦🏻♀️.
Anywaysss… A lot has been going on with each one of us especially during this Quarantine.. And I know everyone at some point has gone through something that could be quite significant in their lives.. Maybe positively or negatively if so to say. I have been seeing posts everywhere about weight especially.. (Weight gain and weight loss). And now that some people have nothing but time on their hands they wanna get that ideal body they’ve always admired and wanted to have. And some are out there embracing their insecurities and sharing their journey with us.. (you know yourself and I’m so proud of you❤️)
So where am I going with this?? 😂
So recently I was having a conversation with a friend.. Then out of nowhere they just asked.. “How tall are you??” Which would most definitely lead to the question… “How much do you weigh?”. So I don’t know if it’s just me, but I have never. Maybe you do.. Often.. And that’s Okayy.
So this question made me panic kiasi.. Cause I started thinking about when was the last time I weighed my weight and all..
Thinking back.. I was always that skinny girl who really was never insecure about her body.. I mean what was there to be insecure about?? That acne that stresses me out was like non existent to me. Then high school happened 😂😂🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️And suddenly I became soo big.. I remember one of my aunts joking about how I looked like a balloon that had been pumped abruptly😂😂.. And I know it was just a joke.. But sometimes words really can destroy someone’s self esteem.. Especially if they really matter. And then to make matters worse.. My own mom.. She always complained of how she was embarrassed to come see me in school because I was so freaking big “Bigger than her”. And I think this was my breaking point. I had self doubt.. I was so insecure about my body.. And I really hated my mom at that point.. (Story for another day) 😂
I had other issues happening in my life.. So this was when severe depression hit. I was a mess. But nobody on the outside could have known because you just don’t walk anywhere showing your troubles to anyone.. Ooh that time I was 69 kgs by the way. So heh.. I knew I had to do something.. And cause I couldn’t work out (Aai I was too lazy for that besides I was in school Soo..) I started skipping meals waah.. 😂 But sometimes I would get so hungry and just snack like nobody’s business.
So did it work? 😂 I’m not really sure.. But suddenly I got into form 4 and my weight just disappeared.. Hivo tu. And of course I was happy.. Though I didn’t approach it in the best way possible..
The next time I weighed my weight was during Christmas after I was done with high school.. And I was 45 kgs.
Right now I’m rereading this and I’m realizing sina content😂😂😂like what’s my point Ata?
Anyway so I still have regrets about this.. Because I wish I would have handled this in a different way.. But what’s done is done really.. Of course now I have gained a bit of weight and I’m still working on that ideal body😍
Thats generally it. What? I’m able to share without feeling scared? Yes😊. I had to give my story first cause I know myself. I don’t know other people’s stories. Those are the kind of insecurities I was facing. I was trying to wonder if that’s how I felt, low self esteem and even scared of knowing important things concerning myself like my weight, how do others feel? How do others cope with how they are? We all have that insecurity with our body. Face maybe cause of scars or acnes, skin colour, body size and shape, height and all that? How do people just feel?
When it comes to body size don’t really blame someone. You’ll just advise them to work out or to go to the gym but I just wish people knew many factors that such people face when they even think of starting to work out. Some people can’t even lose weight at all either cause it’s genetic or its being sick. Some things we can’t really change just cause we were created like that. Some people who have insecurities with their skin colour, face and others mainly have those insecurities just cause people make them have those insecurities by making fun and discriminating them. You just don’t know how bad it demoralises someone.
Words are not easy to just make someone feel so secure, not easy to assure someone. Just cause most people don’t really mean what they say and they don’t even show you they mean what they say.
People just don’t understand that for most people to be comfortable with the way they are, they need support and love from people around them, most importantly people who matter.
Because whether you have the perfect body, the kind of body everyone wishes to have, you still have a flaw or flaws and you want people to love you the way you are right? That’s just it.
Surround yourself with people who tell you everything nice about you. People who will turn your insecurities to your kind of beautiful. And once you just love yourself the way you are, even those people who used your insecurity to bring you down will be afraid to do that because they’ll have nothing to use to bring you down. You need yourself more than anything else♡♡. I just hope this helps someone out there❤️.
And, from me,
THERE’S NOTHING BEAUTIFUL AS TURNING YOUR INSECURITIES TO BECOME YOUR STRENGTHS AND TO BE YOUR OWN KIND OF BEAUTIFUL.
I don’t write enough. I know. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad sign. Maybe a little bit of both. But an awful lot has happened in the last few weeks.
So now I have to figure out what to do with my life. Again. The fact remains that I’m constantly educating myself in the hope of one day finding something appealing to me and not being replaced by the devouring emptiness of indifference. At least I remain true to writing. Once I start writing. It’s so paradoxical. I love the act of creating words, but to begin with it in the first place takes a lot of effort and an environment devoid of distraction. Shouldn’t one expect a passion in itself to provide enough motivation to turn the necessary overcoming into a quiet whisper? It is complicated. Like so many things.
Time jump. First time I’ve ever done anything like this during these lines. Between the first part and this one there are several hours. It was a good evening. Good conversations. Good experiences. My verbal abilities leave much to be desired in this state, but I feel the need to reflect on what happened before. A part of me wants to finish writing all this tonight. Another part of me wants to have a few hours of restful sleep to put it into a meaningful context. I tend to capture only a few fixed thoughts now and add some additions later. Fuck. I don’t think it’s a good idea to write in great detail righ now. I’m incredibly tired and this migraine is killing me . Good idea.
Might write something better one of these days.
You know what bothers me? I’m constantly seeing posts on social media from people saying they’re “depressed.” Now, I don’t know their story. I don’t know if they’ve seen a doctor or are just saying they’re depressed because they are sad for some reason or another. I guess it bothers me because most of these people have not actually seen a doctor and been given that diagnosis. I see the word just thrown out there when it’s really something more than that. Maybe they are scared to go see a psychiatrist or maybe they are scared to talk to a therapist, and frankly, that IS okay. It’s normal to be scared. So let’s talk about why someone might be scared. There is this stigma when it comes to mental health. You’re crazy. You’re weak. Embarrassed. Fear of rejection. At least that’s what I kept telling myself. I question myself A LOT! I criticize myself A LOT! I believe I have finally started to realize, is this how I would talk to another person? Is this how I would help someone who wants to kill themselves? No. Of course not. So why would I continue to belittle myself, calling myself weak, and crazy, when I wouldn’t do that to others. I’ve been there. I’ve had suicidal thoughts. I’ve even gone past the thought process of it. You honestly do not fully understand what someone is going through until you’ve lived it. How does someone going through depression actually feel? A lot of it doesn’t make any sense. A lot of it doesn’t have an answer. Again and again, I question myself on why I’m feeling a certain way. One thing I’m working on is not asking myself “why” so much, it’s hard. There are several types of depression so it may be a little different for each person. Sadness. Crying out of nowhere and for no reason. Happy one minute and angry the next. Lashing out on people. Lonely. Disconnected from life. Being so anxious that it feels like an elephant is sitting on your chest. Not being able to concentrate on a simple task. Hopelessness. Not wanting to do anything except stay in bed. Agitation and irritability. Restlessness. Social isolation. Not sleeping or eating. I probably missed a few but that is depression for me.
You know what the worst feeling of them all is? The toll it takes on your loved ones. You don’t want to be sad. You don’t want to be irritable. You don’t want any of those things, but, it comes to a point where it starts to affect your family. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve said sorry to my brother for the way I’ve been. Should I be saying sorry? I’m not sure. But I do know that the important part is that I’m recognizing it and not ignoring it. My brother especially has put up with a lot. It’s been hard. But, he’s still there, and always has been, so that is what matters. It matters because when you have that feeling of being so tired of it all, when you think that you not being alive anymore would be better for your family because then they don’t have to deal with your shit attitude anymore, it matters. Find that person that gets you out of bed when you’re feeling like you can’t take it any longer. Find them. And maybe you’re wondering.. He’s just a kid.. How would he? 😂 I find myself asking the same question..
I received a lot of support from my first post and I just want to say thank you. You have no idea how much it truly means to me. This is scary. I’ve always cared way too much about what other people think of me and it’s something I’m working on.
It does feel different writing this on some site instead of my usual journal🤔😅Anyway.. Hi there 😌. I’m assuming if you’re reading this you know me or rather our paths have crossed at some point. 🙂Soo.. Yesss.. Here we are 😂. I’m here,actually facing my fears. And embracing my insecurities. 💛
I have hated myself for the longest time I think. Always been suicidal. Emotional roller coaster. I can’t believe there was a time I felt like being happy and at peace was wrong. I mean.. I deserve pain.. Because it’s welcoming. Makes you feel alive. Pain. And no 😂I’m not a sadist or anything. I remember those days when the sight of my blood dripping on my wrists and thighs was the only thing that kept me sane. I lived for those days. And now I’m crying as I write this because I can’t believe I have come this far. Anyway.. You must be wondering.. Why? Why all this? What messed you up so bad???
I might talk about that the next time I get the courage to do this.. Anyway.. 😂 I’m even confused.. What am I writing about again? Ooh yes. These insecurities. This is just a glimpse of my past… Am I fully okay? Not really. But I am really improving.
So that I can grow as I am fixing myself. It is a personal journey and if you feel like you need to sacrifice things for you to be okay, do it. I came to understand that you need yourself more than anything to be and when you are finally adequate for yourself then you are automatically good for people.
Don’t let fear and pain control your life. Don’t let your past control your life because that thing is poison. Pure poison and drains you before you even realise you are drained. You are not your mistakes, your past or your sins. You are your present life and your yet to be future. And that present and future if lived well, it’s beautiful.
To every person going through this I am sorry. But if God has kept you alive till now? Trust me you will get out of it. It is tiring isn’t it? I know how you feel but guess what! You will get out of that hole. And you’ll have this glow with you afterwards wheeew that after glow is always amazing!!!😍😍. You will make through this journey. Pray to God and always appreciate even when you feel a little bit better because that step is something. Having the feeling of just feeling a little bit better is something to thank God for becauseee I know how tiresome things can be.At the end, you’ll have grown so so much viewing things differently and being careful . And that thing matters a lot♥️.
And you see God, God really does exist. Because He’s given me a chance to make things right, and He’s given me the most amazing friends on earth!♥️ Trust me it’s never easy, but you gotta push yourself to get better. Your life isn’t fear or pain. It is happiness and peace.♥️It all starts with changing your mindset. Taking one day at a time. Breathing.. Focusing on really what makes you happy.. And making that your whole world.. However insignificant it seems.. It does go a long way.
I’m not sure imma put this up. Cause it feels inadequate. It doesn’t feel good enough.. But if you see this.. Then I’m glad I faced one of my fears. 💛